Delphi Collected Works of Grant Allen Read online

  ‘Two pounds of coffee, if you please, Mrs. Oswald,’ she began with a quaver; ‘coffee, mind, I say, not chicory; your stuff always has the smallest possible amount of flavour in it, it seems to me, for the largest possible amount of quantity; all chicory, all chicory — no decent coffee to be had now in Calcombe Pomeroy. So your son’s at home this week, is he? Out of work, I suppose? I saw him lounging about on the beach, idling away his time, yesterday; pity he wasn’t at some decent trade, instead of hanging about and doing nothing, as if he was a gentleman. Five pounds of lump sugar, too; good lump sugar, though I expect I shall get nothing but beetroot; it’s all beetroot now, my brother tells me; they’ve ruined the West Indies with their emancipation fads and their differential duties and the Lord knows what — we had estates in the West Indies ourselves, all given up to our negroes nowadays — and now I believe they have to pay the French a bounty or something of the sort to induce them to make sugar out of beetroot, because the negroes won’t work without whipping, so I understand; that’s what comes in the end of your Radical fal-lal notions. Well, five pounds of lump, and five pounds of moist, though the one’s as bad as the other, really. A great pity about your son. I hope he’ll get a place again soon. It must be a trial to you to have him so idle!’

  ‘Well, no, ma’am, it’s not,’ Mrs. Oswald answered, with such self-restraint as she could command. ‘It’s not much of a trial to his father and me, for we’re glad to let him have a little rest after working so hard at Oxford. He works too hard, ma’am, but he gets compensation for it, don’t ‘ee see, Miss Luttrell, for he’s just been made a Fellow of the Royal Society— “for his mathematical eminence,” the “Times” says — a Fellow of the Royal Society.’

  Even this staggering blow did not completely crush old Miss Luttrell. ‘Fellow of the Royal Society,’ she muttered feebly through her remaining teeth. ‘Must be some mistake somewhere, Mrs. Oswald — quite impossible. A very meritorious young man, your son, doubtless; but a National schoolmaster’s hardly likely to be made a Fellow of the Royal Society. Oh, I remember you told me he’s not a National schoolmaster, but has something to do at one of the Oxford colleges. Yes, yes; I see what it is — Fellow of the Royal Geographical Society. You subscribe a guinea, and get made a Fellow by subscription, just for the sake of writing F.R.G.S. after your name; it gives a young man a look of importance.’

  ‘No, Miss Luttrell, it isn’t that; it’s THE Royal Society; and if you’ll wait a moment, ma’am, I’ll fetch you the president’s letter, and the diploma, to let you see it.’

  ‘Oh, no occasion to trouble yourself, Mrs. Oswald!’ the old lady put in, almost with alacrity, for she had herself seen the announcement of Harry Oswald’s election in the ‘Times’ a few days before. ‘No occasion to trouble yourself, I’m sure; I daresay you may be right, and at any rate it’s no business of mine, thank heaven. I never want to poke my nose into anybody else’s business. Well, talking of Oxford, Mrs. Oswald, there’s a very nice young man down here at present; I wonder if you know where he’s lodging? I want to ask him to dinner. He’s a young Mr. Le Breton — one of the Cheshire Le Bretons, you know. His father was Sir Owen Le Breton, a general in the Indian army — brother officer of Major Standish Luttrell’s and very nice people in every way. Lady Le Breton’s a great friend of the Archdeacon’s, so I should like to show her son some little attention. He’s had a very distinguished career at Oxford — your boy may have heard his name, perhaps — and now he’s acting as tutor to Lord Lynmouth, the eldest son of Lord Exmoor, you know; Lady Exmoor was a second cousin of my brother’s wife; very nice people, all of them. The Le Bretons are a really good family, you see; and the Archdeacon’s exceedingly fond of them. So I thought if you could tell me where this young man is lodging — you shop-people pick up all the gossip in the place, always — I’d ask him to dinner to meet the Rector and Colonel Turnbull and my nephew, who would probably be able to offer him a little shooting.’

  ‘There’s no partridges about in May, Miss Luttrell,’ said Mrs. Oswald, quietly smiling to herself at the fancy picture of Ernest seated in congenial converse with the Rector, Colonel Turnbull, and young Luttrell; ‘but as to Mr. Le Breton, I DO happen to know where he’s stopping, though it’s not often that I know any Calcombe gossip, save and except what you’re good enough to tell me when you drop in, ma’am; for Mr. Le Breton’s stopping here, in this house, with us, ma’am, this very minute.’

  ‘In this house, Mrs. Oswald!’ the old lady cried with a start, wagging her unsteady old head this time in genuine surprise; ‘why, I didn’t know you let lodgings. I thought you and your daughter were too much of fine ladies for THAT, really. I’m glad to hear it. I’ll leave a note for him.’

  ‘No, Miss Luttrell, we don’t let lodgings, ma’am, and we don’t need to,’ Mrs. Oswald answered, proudly. ‘Mr. Le Breton’s stopping here as my son’s guest. They were friends at Oxford together: and now that Mr. Le Breton has got his holiday, like, Harry’s asked him down to spend a fortnight at Calcombe Pomeroy. And if you’ll leave a note I’ll be very happy to give it to him as soon as he comes in, for he’s out walking now with Harry and Edith.’

  Old Miss Luttrell sat for half a minute in unwonted silence, revolving in her poor puzzled head what line of tactics she ought to adopt under such a very singular and annoying combination of circumstances. Stopping at the village grocer’s! — this was really too atrocious! The Le Bretons were all as mad as hatters, that she knew well; all except the mother, who was a sensible person, and quite rational. But old Sir Owen was a man with the most absurd religious fancies — took an interest in the souls of the soldiers; quite right and proper, of course, in a chaplain, but really too ridiculous in a regular field officer. No doubt Ernest Le Breton had taken up some equally extraordinary notions — liberty, equality, fraternity, and a general massacre, probably; and he had picked up Harry Oswald as a suitable companion in his revolutionary schemes and fancies. There was no knowing what stone wall one of those mad Le Bretons might choose to run his head against. Still, the practical difficulty remained — how could she extricate herself from this awkward dilemma in such a way as to cover herself with glory, and inflict another bitter humiliation on poor Mrs. Oswald? If only she had known sooner that Ernest was stopping at the Oswalds, she wouldn’t have been so loud in praise of the Le Breton family; she would in that case have dexterously insinuated that Lady Le Breton was only a half-pay officer’s widow, living on her pension; and that her boys had got promotion at Oxford as poor scholars, through the Archdeacon’s benevolent influence. It was too late now, however, to adopt that line of defence; and she fell back accordingly upon the secondary position afforded her by the chance of taking down Mrs. Oswald’s intolerable insolence in another fashion.

  ‘Oh, he’s out walking with your daughter, is he?’ she said, maliciously. ‘Out walking with your daughter, Mrs. Oswald, NOT with your son. I saw her passing down the meadows half an hour ago with a strange young man; and her brother stopped behind near the millpond. A strange young man; yes, I noticed particularly that he looked like a gentleman, and I was quite surprised that you should let her walk out with him in that extraordinary manner. Depend upon it, Mrs. Oswald, when young gentlemen in Mr. Le Breton’s position go out walking with young women in your daughter’s position, they mean no good by it — they mean no good by it. Take my advice, Mrs. Oswald, and don’t permit it. Mr. Le Breton’s a very nice young man, and well brought up no doubt — I know his mother’s a woman of principle — still, young men will be young men; and if your son goes bringing down his fine Oxford acquaintances to Calcombe Pomeroy, and you and your husband go flinging Miss Jemima — her name’s Jemima, I think — at the young men’s heads, why, then, of course, you must take the consequences — you must take the consequences!’ And with this telling Parthian shot discharged carefully from the shadow of the doorway, accompanied by a running comment of shrugs, nods, and facial distortions, old Miss Luttrell successfully shuffled herself out of the s
hop, her list unfinished, leaving poor Mrs. Oswald alone and absolutely speechless with indignation. Ernest Le Breton never got a note of invitation from the Squire’s sister: but before nightfall all that was visitable in Calcombe Pomeroy had heard at full length of the horrid conspiracy by which those pushing upstart Oswalds had inveigled a son of poor Lady Le Breton’s down to stop with them, and were now trying to ruin his prospects by getting him to marry their brazen-faced hussey, Jemima Edith.

  When Edie returned from her walk that afternoon, Mrs. Oswald went up into her bedroom to see her daughter. She knew at once from Edie’s radiant blushing face and moist eyes what had taken place, and she kissed the pretty shrinking girl tenderly on her forehead. ‘Edie darling, I hope you will be happy,’ she whispered significantly.

  ‘Then you guess it all, mother dear?’ asked Edie, relieved that she need not tell her story in set words.

  ‘Yes, darling,’ said the mother, kissing her again. ‘And you said “yes.”’

  Edie coloured once more. ‘I said “yes,” mother, for I love him dearly.’

  ‘He’s a dear fellow,’ the mother answered gently; ‘and I’m sure he’ll do his best to make you happy.’

  Later on in the day, Harry came up and knocked at Edie’s door. His mother had told him all about it, and so had Ernest. ‘Popsy,’ he said, kissing her also, ‘I congratulate you. I’m so glad about it. Le Breton’s the best fellow I know, and I couldn’t wish you a better or a kinder husband. You’ll have to wait for him, but he’s worth waiting for. He’s a good fellow and a clever fellow, and an affectionate fellow; and his family are everything that could be desired. It’ll be a splendid thing for you to be able to talk in future about “my mother-in law, Lady Le Breton.” Depend upon it, Edie dear, that always counts for something in society.’

  Edie blushed again, but this time with a certain tinge of shame and disappointment. She had never thought of that herself, and she was hurt that Harry should think and speak of it at such a moment. She felt with a sigh it was unworthy of him and unworthy of the occasion. Truly the iron of Pi and its evaluations had entered deeply into his soul!

  CHAPTER XI.

  CULTURE AND CULTURE.

  ‘I wonder, Berkeley,’ said Herbert Le Breton, examining a coin curiously, ‘what on earth can ever have induced you, with your ideas and feelings, to become a parson!’

  ‘My dear Le Breton, your taste, like good wine, improves with age,’ answered Berkeley, coldly. ‘There are many reasons, any one of which may easily induce a sensible man to go into the Church. For example, he may feel a disinterested desire to minister to the souls of his poorer neighbours; or he may be first cousin to a bishop; or he may be attracted by an ancient and honourable national institution; or he may possess a marked inclination for albs and chasubles; or he may reflect upon the distinct social advantages of a good living; or he may have nothing else in particular to do; or he may simply desire to rouse the impertinent curiosity of all the indolent quidnuncs of his acquaintance, without the remotest intention of ever gratifying their underbred Paul Pry proclivities.’

  Herbert Le Breton winced a little — he felt he had fairly laid himself open to this unmitigated rebuff — but he did not retire immediately from his untenable position. ‘I suppose,’ he said quietly, ‘there are still people who really do take a practical interest in other people’s souls — my brother Ronald does for one — but the idea is positively too ridiculous. Whenever I read any argument upon immortality it always seems to me remarkably cogent, if the souls in question were your soul and my soul; but just consider the transparent absurdity of supposing that every Hodge Chawbacon, and every rheumatic old Betty Martin, has got a soul, too, that must go on enduring for all eternity! The notion’s absolutely ludicrous. What an infinite monotony of existence for the poor old creatures to endure for ever — being bored by their own inane personalities for a million aeons! It’s simply appalling to think of!’

  But Berkeley wasn’t going to be drawn into a theological discussion — that was a field which he always sedulously and successfully avoided. ‘The immortality of the soul,’ he said quietly, ’is a Platonic dogma too frequently confounded, even by moderately instructed persons like yourself, Le Breton, with the Church’s very different doctrine of the resurrection of the body. Upon this latter subject, my dear fellow, about which you don’t seem to be quite clear or perfectly sound in your views, you’ll find some excellent remarks in Bishop Pearson on the Creed — a valuable work which I had the pleasure of studying intimately for my ordination examination.’

  ‘Really, Berkeley, you’re the most incomprehensible and mysterious person I ever met in my whole lifetime!’ said Herbert, dryly. ‘I believe you take a positive delight in deceiving and mystifying one. Do you seriously mean to tell me you feel any interest at the present time of day in books written by bishops?’

  ‘A modern bishop,’ Berkeley answered calmly, ’is an unpicturesque but otherwise estimable member of a very distinguished ecclesiastical order, who ought not lightly to be brought into ridicule by lewd or lay persons. On that ground, I have always been in favour myself of gradually reforming his hat, his apron, and even his gaiters, which doubtless serve to render him at least conspicuous if not positively absurd in the irreverent eyes of a ribald generation. But as to criticising his literary or theological productions, my dear fellow, that would be conduct eminently unbecoming in a simple curate, and savouring of insubordination even in the person of an elderly archdeacon. I decline, therefore, to discuss the subject, especially with a layman on whose orthodoxy I have painful doubts. — Where’s Oswald? Is he up yet?’

  ‘No; he’s down in Devonshire, my brother Ernest writes me.’

  ‘What, at Dunbude? What’s Oswald doing there?’

  ‘Oh dear no; not at Dunbude: the peerage hasn’t yet adopted him — at a place called Calcombe Pomeroy, where it seems he lives. Ernest has gone down there from Exmoor for a fortnight’s holiday. You remember, Oswald has a pretty sister — I met her here in your rooms last October, in fact — and I apprehend she may possibly form a measurable portion of the local attractions. A pretty face goes a long way with some people.’

  Berkeley drew a deep breath, and looked uneasily out of the window. This was dangerous news, indeed! What, little Miss Butterfly, has the boy with the gauze net caught sight of you already? Will he trap you and imprison you so soon in his little gilded matrimonial cage, enticing you thereinto with soft words and, sugared compliments to suit your dainty, delicate palate? and must I, who have meant to chase you for the chief ornament of my own small cabinet, be only in time to see you pinioned and cabined in your white lace veils and other pretty disguised entanglements, for his special and particular delectation? This must be looked into, Miss Butterfly; this must be prevented. Off to Calcombe Pomeroy, then, or other parts unknown, this very next to-morrow; and let us fight out the possession of little Miss Butterfly with our two gauze nets in opposition — mine tricked as prettily as I can trick it with tags and ends of art-allurements and hummed to in a delicate tune — before this interloping anticipating Le Breton has had time to secure you absolutely for himself. Too austere for you, little Miss Butterfly; good in his way, and kindly meaning, but too austere. Better come and sun yourself in the modest wee palace of art that I mean to build myself some day in some green, sunny, sloping valley, where your flittings will not be rudely disturbed by breath of poverty, nor your pretty feathery wings ruthlessly clipped with a pair of doctrinaire, ethico-socialistic scissors. To Calcombe, then, to Calcombe — and not a day’s delay before I get there. So much of thought, in his own quaint indefinite fashion, flitted like lightning through Arthur Berkeley’s perturbed mind, as he stood gazing wistfully for one second out of his pretty latticed creeper-clad window. Then he remembered himself quickly with a short little sigh, and turned to answer Herbert Le Breton’s last half-sneering innuendo.

  ‘Something more than a pretty face merely,’ he said, surveying Herbert coldly from he
ad to foot; ‘a heart too, and a mind, for all her flitting, not wholly unfurnished with good, sensible, solid mahogany English furniture. You may be sure Harry Oswald’s sister isn’t likely to be wanting in wits, at any rate.’

  ‘Oswald’s a curious fellow,’ Herbert went on, changing the venue, as he always did when he saw Berkeley was really in earnest; ‘he’s very clever, certainly, but he can never outlive his bourgeois origin. The smell of tea sticks about him somehow to the end of the chapter. Don’t you know, Berkeley, there are some fellows whose clothes seem to have been born with them, they fit so perfectly and impede their movement so little; while there are other fellows whose clothes look at once as if they’d been made for them by a highly respectable but imperfectly successful tailor. That’s just what I always think about Harry Oswald in the matter of culture. He’s got a great deal of culture, the very best culture, from the very best shop — Oxford, in fact — dressed himself up in the finest suit of clothes from the most fashionable mental tailor; but it doesn’t seem to fit him naturally. He moves about in it uneasily, like a man unaccustomed to be clothed by a good workman. He looks in his mental upholstery like a greengrocer in evening dress. Now there’s all the difference in the world between that sort of put-on culture and culture in the grain, isn’t there? You may train up a grocer’s son to read Dante, and to play Mendelssohn’s Lieder, and to admire Fra Angelico; but you can’t train him up to wear these things lightly and gracefully upon him as you and I do, who come by them naturally. WE are born to the sphere; HE rises to it.’

  ‘You think so, Le Breton?’ asked the curate with a quiet and suppressed smile, as he thought silently of the placid old shoemaker.

  ‘Think so! my dear fellow, I’m sure of it. I can spot a man of birth from a man of mere exterior polish any day, anywhere. Talk as much nonsense as you like about all men being born free and equal — they’re not. They’re born with natural inequalities in their very nerve and muscle. When I was an undergraduate, I startled one of the tutors of that time by beginning my English essay once, “All men are by nature born free and unequal.” I stick to it still; it’s the truth. They say it takes three generations to make a gentleman; nonsense utterly; it takes at least a dozen. You can’t work out the common fibre in such a ridiculous hurry. That results as a simple piece of deductive reasoning from all modern theories of heredity and variation.’